In Love on the Spectrum US, singles on the autism spectrum go on dates, try new experiences and (possibly!) fall in love. But many are not alone in this endeavor: Autism expert and author Jennifer Cook guides them along this journey, giving advice on everything from choosing conversation topics to asking for a second date.
But dating and relationships don’t necessarily come easily to Cook, who is on the spectrum herself; in fact, she first began writing books on the topic when she got diagnosed, as she realized there were hidden, unspoken social rules that she wasn’t taught growing up.
“Dating is really no different than making a new friend, which can also be scary unless you crack the code,” she tells Tudum. “When you crack the code, then at least you can get through those first meetings, until you have enough in common that you have your own genuine conversations that just flow.”
The Love on the Spectrum US cast still have access to Cook’s “code” — in fact, she’s still in touch with most of them. Cook returns in Season 2 to help Tanner, a new dating hopeful, as he prepares to step into the dating world for the very first time. But, what should everyone else struggling with finding love do? Taken from her book The Asperkid’s (Secret) Book of Social Rules, Cook breaks down all her best tips and tricks to nailing that first (and hopefully second, and third... ) date.
Like Cook says, dating is similar to making a new friend, just “leveled up” like a video game. But this doesn’t require a friends-to-lovers arc (watch Heartstopper for that); rather, Cook says there simply “has to be friendship underlying everything else.” So, like you would do while making a new friend, she says to just focus on finding things in common and let the romance flow from there.
Jennifer Cook working with Abbey.
Of course, getting past the talking stage is easier said than done. Cook says a lot of people will come to the table with a set list of questions they want to ask but find that conversation stalls after they run through them all. During the first episode, she encourages 23-year-old Abbey to start an exchange in conversation by rolling a ping pong ball back and forth between them. The best kind of dates, she says, are “a dialogue, as opposed to a monologue.”
“If you can imagine the conversation as a literal speech bubble, it’s helpful to ask yourself, ‘How much of that speech bubble am I taking up, and how much are they taking up?’” she says. “From there, you can decide if you need to give a little bit more or maybe step back and let them do the talking.”
Cook practicing dinner conversation with Subodh.
In this back-and-forth, Cook says it’s easy to fall into a conversation about something you might not feel comfortable or knowledgeable about. She brings up one example in Subodh, who we see go on a first date with Rachel in Episode 3; when Rachel brings up television, which Subodh doesn’t watch, he quickly asks to change the subject. But Cook says when she asked him afterwards why he veered away, Subodh admitted the topic made him feel “afraid.”
To combat those nerves, Cook recommends active listening and reacting to your date’s answers in real time. The best way to do that, she says, is to do it like Grease: Just say “tell me more.” This open-ended response, she says, is sure to get your partner talking and breed more conversation.
“I'm pretty sure everyone’s been in a situation where you don’t really have anything else to say about whatever the other person has just brought up, and that’s okay,” she says. “If you can ask them to tell me more, you can feel like an expert on any topic, because you’ve got them chatting. All they’re going to do is remember the fact that you’ve got them speaking and feeling good and at ease.”
If you do run out of things to talk about, Cook always recommends using the acronym FORD, standing for family, occupation, recreation and dreams — the topics she says get people talking the quickest. Worst comes to worst, she also says it’s worth it to just admit that you’re nervous, since it can break the tension (and buy you a few seconds of time).
Conversation isn’t the only thing you need to successfully snag someone who, in animal-lover Abbey’s case, will be your zoo partner for life. To find love in the animal kingdom, Cook says basics like etiquette and flattery reign supreme. “Manners are simply there to show that you’re a kind and respectful person, that’s all,” she says. Little things like putting your phone away, making eye contact with a date or complimenting their appearance, she says, are reliable ways to impress someone. For people on the spectrum, putting together first date outfits can be a challenge, but Cook recommends copying directly from a store’s mannequins or look book.
And to understand modern dating norms, it’s sometimes helpful to throw it all the way back to Greek mythology: Cook points out that Aphrodite — the goddess of love — was best friends with Hygieia, the goddess of health and cleanliness. “That says it all, I think!”
Cook doesn’t recommend getting too caught up in all those compliments. She suggests imagining the date as a silent film, saying to pay attention to what you’d be seeing without words. This is especially true, she says, for people on the spectrum, as they face much higher rates of domestic violence than those who are not.
“Somebody can be really charming,” she says, “but if they don’t bother to call you when they say they’re going to, or treat the wait staff poorly, or aren’t even responding to what you’re saying on the date, those are little red flags that we have to pay attention to. If you watch someone’s actions, you’ll never be fooled by their words.”
Finally, Cook says the most important rule for dating is to not get discouraged. Dating norms like follow-up questions and compliments are an entirely new vocabulary for everybody at some point, but she says with time and practice they’ll come as easily as talking.
“You can’t expect to be the most charming person off the bat,” she says. “But if you can be genuine and sincere and genuinely interested in the other person, you’re golden. You’ve got this. Just take your time.”
